For the burger, I bought mince from the butchers, some streaky bacon, plastic cheese, and a couple of Krispy Kreme original donuts. For the chips, I roasted the bacon in the oven tray, and then added some parboiled potatoes. Seasoning and then a liberal drizzling with the syrup and chopped up bacon pieces followed. I heavily seasoned the beef patties and fried them in a touch of the bacon fat, with a slice of cheese going on at the end. I took the meat out to rest, warmed the bacon back up and chucked in the halved donuts to soak up any meat juices remaining in the pan. Assemble, add a squirt of American mustard and dig in. Serve with mayonnaise and pickles.To accompany this I needed to match it with some equally silly things. I had a black IPA in the fridge, which as a style makes no sense and hence was ideal. A big chocolate stout is as indulgent and extravagant as the meal itself. And finally an American lager – this just made sense for some reason.
To say the burger and chips were sweet would be a slight understatement. It was a gluttonous mess of fat, salt and sugar which left me quite giddy afterwards. The combination is almost there, but a denser, less sweet donut would have worked better (otherwise known as a bap). The chips were immense – some crisp, some soft, with the occasional hit of bacon and sticky caramel. The Budweiser worked pretty well – it acts as a dose of sanity and cleanliness in amongst the carnage of flavour, refreshing the palate without adding anything or contributing to the experience. The Magic 8 Ball from Magic Rock is a very decent beer, but found itself in the wrong place at the wrong time. The floral, fruity notes are lost against the food, leaving the huge bitterness clashing violently with the big flavours in the burger and overwhelming the chips. A total mess. The final beer worked magically, Brooklyn’s Black Chocolate Stout giving as good as it got. The massive alcohol and body stands up to everything thrown at it, with the initial savouriness leading to sweeter chocolate and liquorice elements which was a great partner for the burger but also with the chips. I felt slightly drained after this but it was thoroughly worth it.
This is a time when fatty breakfasts and turkey twizzler discoveries can make national news, as high calorie food edges towards receiving the sort of disdain that cigarettes and cheap alcohol have endured for a while now. This only serves to make it more alluring, more taboo, and therefore far more enjoyable to attempt meals like this. If my fiancé allowed smoking in the flat I would have lit up a fat cigar and wallowed in hedonistic disregard for my own health. It would have been fun. As it was I enjoyed the cooking, eating and drinking immensely. It was possibly the most fun meal I have ever prepared. I urge people to try it. Just, you know, eat a salad the next day or something.